Counseling with Blended and Extended Families

I've noticed that having a marriage with children from a previous marriage is often an added stressor to couples I counsel.

This includes a marriage with an extended family which includes nieces and nephews, or having custody of any child that is not biologically that of both parents.

In marriage counseling, we frequently have to deal with ways that the roles of family members are evolving. It used to be that each member was restricted by the traditional sex roles such as the father as the worker and the mother as the homemaker. However, these rigidities are declining.

Today's mother can be the supplementary provider and still retain the responsibilities of child rearing.

IMPORTANT: Watch how you introduce your children into this new blended lifestyle.

Talk to each of the children individually. Ask their opinions; kids feel important when you ask for their opinion.

It lets them know that you REALLY care about their emotions. This gives them a security that most kids can miss out on.


Barring something particularly compelling, never withhold information from your children concerning your new marriage. Let them know that you and your new spouse are also adjusting.

Start new family traditions together for the holidays. Do something that sets your family apart from your previous marriage. Make it fun and comfortable.

Share the responsibilities and never jeopardize your step-childs well being because of being afraid that s/he will not like you. Unfortunately, a lot of step-parents try and become a friend instead of a parent.

This can cause more harm than good. When you become your childs friend and you need to punish them, they will be more hurt if their friend is punishing them rather than a parent.

Be right up front from the very beginning. If you follow the simple rules of being a good step-parent the rewards with be worth it.

They will grow to love you as another parent. This will cause less stress in your marriage and will make you both happier and healthy as a family.

Dr Mike, Marriage Counseling, 847 516 0899; serving Barrington, Cary, Fox River Grove, Palatine, Crystal Lake and Woodstock, Illinois

78 Years Old and Boring!

Cary, Crystal Lake, Barrington, Schaumburg, Palatine, Woodstock, Lake in the Hills and McHenry, IL
2/4/07; 9:09 PM

A 58 year old woman consulted me yesterday because she wants marriage counseling to either make her 78 year old husband more "interesting" or make him OK enough for her to leave him. She's active, goes birdwatching some mornings at 6: AM and might cross-country ski certain mornings around 7.

He's no slouch though!! He plays basketball 3 nights a week, walks throughout the local mall regularly, is in great shape and is an avid reader.

His wife says that he just doesn't say anything "interesting anymore." He tells me he's happy with his life AND loves his wife too.

I'm wondering if there isn't a missing person involved somehow. She staunchly claims there isn't but...?

This change of heart just doesn't feel right to me...

What do you think?

Dr Mike, 847 516 0899;
www.nextdayappointment.com

Can Paxil Mend Infidelity?

Cary, Crystal Lake, Algonquin, IL; 6:13 PM; Feb 1, 2007

Bill, a 45 year old optometrist, has been struggling with the issue of marriage counseling for many years. The problem is that his wife says he has the problem; she won't come.

She doesn't know he's having an affair with a 32 year old woman who he can't get off his mind. He reports being obsessed like a lovesick kid and talks about her great body and the wild sex they have.

It seemed to me he was becoming a slave to this obsession; he was tormented. We systematically assessed whether this woman was worth it and he'd always conclude "No." But he couldn't get her out of his mind.

As a hunch I suggested he give Paxil a trial. Paxil is an anti-depressant which shows some success in loosening the grip of obsessions. He was skeptical but agreed to try it.

For the last 2 weeks he's reported "not caring" as much about this woman, and even though they are still in contact, he's feeling that her grip on him is loosening. Well it's a little early to tell but the latest reports are encouraging.

Will the relationship with his wife improve? What do you think?

Dr Mike, drmike@nextdayappointment.com, psychologist and marriage counselor, 847 516 0899.

"Males are Just Predators"

Cary, IL; Jan. 31, 2007

Just finished with a couple where the husband would rage at his daughter about dating, coming home on time etc. His wife said the daughter does well in school, is socially adept and hasn't been in any major trouble.

His wife says she has to "protect" the daughter from his raging and is frustrated to the point of exhaustion.

What's all this about? He remembers his youth as a predator-always trying to get laid etc. etc. and is convinced that if he doesn't warn his 17 year old now she will be taken advantage of by other guys who are just like he used to be.

Hmm. I explained that by raging at his daughter who appears to be a good kid can actually cause the rebellion he's trying to prevent. Raging is never the answer!

We guys have to deal with our OWN insecurities first- before we try to do the parenting thing.

Dr Mike, Cary, Algonquin, Crystal Lake, IL
Psychologist and Marriage Counselor, 1 847 516 0899; www.nextdayappointment.com

Put Myself in Time-Out?

Cary, IL; 4:13 PM

A couple just left; the wife complained that they couldn't talk about anything without arguing. The husband would rage and sh'd yell back. It could be about punctuality, bills or anything else.

I said the first principle of marriage counseling is Destruction Reduction. Lower the volume in the house...even if you don't talk at all! Get rid of the outer manifestations of hostility.

You do this by putting yourself in "Time-Out" when you feel the tension build up. Give your spouse the time-out sign, explain that you're feeling uncomfortable and explain that you're going in the backyard for 60 minutes after which you'll return to talk it out.

I explained that you had to let the adrenalin drain away before resuming.

The husband said "Time-out; I put my kids in time-out. That's not for me!"

Hmm...

The Doorway to Infidelity and its Cure

Cary, IL. Jan 29, 2007 3:49 PM

Just finished with Jon. Jon doesn't know what to do with himself. He's married, two great kids but he's obsessed with Cynthia. She lives 5 hours away but his National Guard duty brings them in frequent contact.

I met his wife, Beth-she's great and has no idea about this. Where cynthia is concerned, Jon says he can't get past the making-out in cars and the excitement of it all.

I ask him to focus on whether or not his current lifestyle is helping or hurting him. He's smart and knows that his constant obsessing about Cynthia who lives 5 hours away drains him of almost all his energy so he can't stay focused on his wife and family.

Maybe I should ask him to list all the ways his affair is harming him...you know...to highlight it.

What do you think would help?

Dr Mike S. www.nextdayappointment.com; 847 516 0899

After an Affair: How do you Restore Trust?

Connie has been mad for ten years. First, her husband had a sleezy one night stand in a bar. He felt so bad that he confessed it over dinner one night... and went into details. Yup! Connie was absolutely blindsided.

She tried to heal by herself-10 agonizing tear-filled years. She was almost there. Then, she found a love note in the glove box of her husband's car. Jennifer was pining away for him and their next rendezvous at her apartment...

This time Connie called me, a marriage counselor in Cary and Crystal Lake, Illinois.

She comes in gushing tears and anger, while her husband confesses to his stupidity and begs for forgiveness.

Tell me. Where should we start?

Dr Mike, 847 516 0899; nextdayappointment.com