I've noticed that having a marriage with children from a previous marriage is often an added stressor to couples I counsel.
This includes a marriage with an extended family which includes nieces and nephews, or having custody of any child that is not biologically that of both parents.
In marriage counseling, we frequently have to deal with ways that the roles of family members are evolving. It used to be that each member was restricted by the traditional sex roles such as the father as the worker and the mother as the homemaker. However, these rigidities are declining.
Today's mother can be the supplementary provider and still retain the responsibilities of child rearing.
IMPORTANT: Watch how you introduce your children into this new blended lifestyle.
Talk to each of the children individually. Ask their opinions; kids feel important when you ask for their opinion.
It lets them know that you REALLY care about their emotions. This gives them a security that most kids can miss out on.
Barring something particularly compelling, never withhold information from your children concerning your new marriage. Let them know that you and your new spouse are also adjusting.
Start new family traditions together for the holidays. Do something that sets your family apart from your previous marriage. Make it fun and comfortable.
Share the responsibilities and never jeopardize your step-childs well being because of being afraid that s/he will not like you. Unfortunately, a lot of step-parents try and become a friend instead of a parent.
This can cause more harm than good. When you become your childs friend and you need to punish them, they will be more hurt if their friend is punishing them rather than a parent.
Be right up front from the very beginning. If you follow the simple rules of being a good step-parent the rewards with be worth it.
They will grow to love you as another parent. This will cause less stress in your marriage and will make you both happier and healthy as a family.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Counseling with Blended and Extended Families
Sunday, February 4, 2007
78 Years Old and Boring!
Cary, Crystal Lake, Barrington, Schaumburg, Palatine, Woodstock, Lake in the Hills and McHenry, IL
2/4/07; 9:09 PM
A 58 year old woman consulted me yesterday because she wants marriage counseling to either make her 78 year old husband more "interesting" or make him OK enough for her to leave him. She's active, goes birdwatching some mornings at 6: AM and might cross-country ski certain mornings around 7.
He's no slouch though!! He plays basketball 3 nights a week, walks throughout the local mall regularly, is in great shape and is an avid reader.
His wife says that he just doesn't say anything "interesting anymore." He tells me he's happy with his life AND loves his wife too.
I'm wondering if there isn't a missing person involved somehow. She staunchly claims there isn't but...?
This change of heart just doesn't feel right to me...
What do you think?
Dr Mike, 847 516 0899;
www.nextdayappointment.com
2/4/07; 9:09 PM
A 58 year old woman consulted me yesterday because she wants marriage counseling to either make her 78 year old husband more "interesting" or make him OK enough for her to leave him. She's active, goes birdwatching some mornings at 6: AM and might cross-country ski certain mornings around 7.
He's no slouch though!! He plays basketball 3 nights a week, walks throughout the local mall regularly, is in great shape and is an avid reader.
His wife says that he just doesn't say anything "interesting anymore." He tells me he's happy with his life AND loves his wife too.
I'm wondering if there isn't a missing person involved somehow. She staunchly claims there isn't but...?
This change of heart just doesn't feel right to me...
What do you think?
Dr Mike, 847 516 0899;
www.nextdayappointment.com
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Can Paxil Mend Infidelity?
Cary, Crystal Lake, Algonquin, IL; 6:13 PM; Feb 1, 2007
Bill, a 45 year old optometrist, has been struggling with the issue of marriage counseling for many years. The problem is that his wife says he has the problem; she won't come.
She doesn't know he's having an affair with a 32 year old woman who he can't get off his mind. He reports being obsessed like a lovesick kid and talks about her great body and the wild sex they have.
It seemed to me he was becoming a slave to this obsession; he was tormented. We systematically assessed whether this woman was worth it and he'd always conclude "No." But he couldn't get her out of his mind.
As a hunch I suggested he give Paxil a trial. Paxil is an anti-depressant which shows some success in loosening the grip of obsessions. He was skeptical but agreed to try it.
For the last 2 weeks he's reported "not caring" as much about this woman, and even though they are still in contact, he's feeling that her grip on him is loosening. Well it's a little early to tell but the latest reports are encouraging.
Will the relationship with his wife improve? What do you think?
Dr Mike, drmike@nextdayappointment.com, psychologist and marriage counselor, 847 516 0899.
Bill, a 45 year old optometrist, has been struggling with the issue of marriage counseling for many years. The problem is that his wife says he has the problem; she won't come.
She doesn't know he's having an affair with a 32 year old woman who he can't get off his mind. He reports being obsessed like a lovesick kid and talks about her great body and the wild sex they have.
It seemed to me he was becoming a slave to this obsession; he was tormented. We systematically assessed whether this woman was worth it and he'd always conclude "No." But he couldn't get her out of his mind.
As a hunch I suggested he give Paxil a trial. Paxil is an anti-depressant which shows some success in loosening the grip of obsessions. He was skeptical but agreed to try it.
For the last 2 weeks he's reported "not caring" as much about this woman, and even though they are still in contact, he's feeling that her grip on him is loosening. Well it's a little early to tell but the latest reports are encouraging.
Will the relationship with his wife improve? What do you think?
Dr Mike, drmike@nextdayappointment.com, psychologist and marriage counselor, 847 516 0899.
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